i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
