i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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