You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
