I faked an abortion last night.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality