It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
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at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
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Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like