she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
