remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
