so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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