and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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