do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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