I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
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porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
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I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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