I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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