I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
