god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
