I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
