dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
