my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
