Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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