There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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