why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
