Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
