im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
