The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
