It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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