i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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