Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
