Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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