please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just found puke in my bra..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
