Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
