Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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