You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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