The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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