Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I made him laugh his dick is mine
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
