Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
