My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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