I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
