apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
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While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize