just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
