im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
