please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
