She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
