I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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