my soul wont recognize me after tonight
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
