I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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