I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
