Im at strip club and am horny
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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