I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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