Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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