I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
