The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
