My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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