Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
