i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
accomplished twins. life is a go
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
