It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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