That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
