I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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