I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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