you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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